Halloween Jokes for Adults
I’m not saying my wife is ugly…
but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burns unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger costumes.
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Have you ever had sex before?
Me: you mean with a living person?
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My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”
I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”
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Why don’t witches wear panties?
They get a better grip on their broom.
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Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.
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What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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I think it’s a real shame that today’s young people don’t even know why we really celebrate Halloween.
None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn’t slain that giant pumpkin.
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The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.
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Why are male ghosts attracted to female ghosts?
Because of their boo-bies.
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I had a big row with my wife last Halloween. I yelled at her, “When you finally die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah well,” she shouted back, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”
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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
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Why did the ghost go to the bar?
To get sheet faced.